My ADHD-blog

How I feel

Good , but not happy.
I just wrote a whole story but I didn't save it. :-(
And now it is gone.
So I have to start all over again.
I feel good, also because I just to my meds, Strattera.
It always takes a while before it starts to work.
I know when it starts to work, because I feel when the side effects start.
I'm one of the lucky ones I think.
Because I have read allot of stories from people who have tried Strattera.
And they had pain going to the toilet or making out.
Pain in the stomach, could not get out of bed etc.
I 'only' have a dry mouth the whole day and a weak feeling in my legs.
The weak feeling in my legs are the worst because it makes you so unbelievable tired.
But if I have to choose,
then I rather have this tiredness then the constant pressure and stress
what I felt before I started with Strattera.
Sometimes I feel it , the stress and this hunted feelings, coming up.
Then I realize how I use to feel without the meds.
So yes, if I look back to how I felt and how I feel now,
then I'm happy with the results until now.

Of course I was also very lucky that I could join the cognitive test team
on the same time as I started with Strattera.

Complains/ side effects

The same as the ones in the last days.
So why repeat it all right?

ADHD effects

As I wrote above, I think I'm allot calmer with Strattera then before.
I always was so stressed, day in day out 24 hours a day.
Sometimes I had a calm day, without knowing why.
But normally I was not normal.
The best way to describe this stress is to compare it to the following situation:

Your about to go to your work, you have a important meeting.
If you come to late you will loose a deal what the company can not afford to loose.
This means that if your to late everybody will loose their job.
You know that, but your late now anyway.
You are trying to do everything you can to be on time.
But it's to late already, you know your 'normally' can't make it.
Your run and hurry as much as you can, you almost can't stand the pressure.

Well that's the stress feeling someone with ADHD has the whole day, 24 hours a day.
Because of this stress you forget allot of things and you can't concentrate.
Maybe this example give a little more understanding on how i or some one else
with ADHD feels the whole day.
I write this so people without ADHD can understand a little better what goes on in someone who has ADHD.
Not so you can and/or will feel sorry.
I don't need people around me who feel sorry, that's at least last thing I need.

It's not easy, but very interesting! I never have a boring day!
The most bad part is that I hurt or can be to much for the people close to me.
I never want to hurt others, especially not the ones around me.
But that happens, and that I hope to be able to reduce to zero.
as soon as I can.

If it wasn't for my ADHD I would never have heard of cognitive therapy.
But I came to know about it and just a while ago I had my first appointment with my Coach.
Yep you don't call them a Therapist but a Coach.

You might think, what's in a name?

Well in this case allot.
Because a therapist is learning you things.
If you can't walk anymore they teach you and help you how to walk.
If you can't talk anymore they teach you and help you to talk again.
But a Coach is different, they don't teach you 'old' things again.
They help you and motivate you to find a way to handle the practical
handicaps you experience as a result of ADHD.

Because if you have ADHD like me, you know what your 'suppose' to do.
But somehow between knowing it and doing it there is an error.
You can't, no matter how much you want and how much you try.

It's so hard to explain.
Maybe I should ask my wife to explain how she experiences me.
Then you as a non ADHD reader would get a better understanding I think.
Yep I think I will ask her if she wants to write about that.

To give a few examples:

I'm having a big chaos in my head.
They say you can see a human's soul in how his room/office looks.
Well if you see my office then you know there is a truth in that.
I can't fool myself saying that I don't mind having such a chaos in my office.
Because I love to be in my wife's office.
It's light, nice, fresh and above all, NO chaos!
If I ask her if she can look up a paper from 2 years ago, then she walks to
a place, picks out a map and shows me that paper!
She is so amazing! And she is strong to!
Believe me, I know! To be able to love me is not so hard.
I am a nice ,sweet and caring guy. But to keep on loving me,
and to go on wanting to live with me,
that's another thing! Because she can ask me to do something.
I can say yes, and then one minute later I totally forget it again.
That can happen many times, and I still forget.

That can go on for a long time, with allot of things.
Day in ,day out.............

How I feel

Well today was pretty good.
Yes I still feel the weak feelings in my legs that makes me also so tired.
But for the rest I'm ok.
To bad that you can not get meds for a more organized life.
Although I did allot today, I still did not do allot of things I have to do.
I have to contact some customers of my company since a long time ago.
Also the administration needs to be updated, my web site updated etc.
I get so desperate sometimes, because my own company is still costing
me lots of money. If I would be more organized I think I could have
made already lots of money by now. But until today I still have to work fulltime
as a security guard beside my own company's.
Yep I also have another company together with my wife.
We are selling BARF ( Biological Adjusted Raw Food) for pets.
Since we give our own pets BARF their health have improved so much!
But his has nothing to do with my ADHD, so I'm getting a little of topic here.

My dream is making radio! and....

I know that making radio is also off topic, but since I mentioned in another posting
that I have been making, producing and hosting radio programs for many years,
when I was still living in Holland I started to dream again.
Tonight I looked up on internet how much it would cost to make radio online.
And since Ipod is so popular I looked in to that also.
With Itunes quicktime player pro you can make online podcasts.
Podcasts are a kind of radio online broadcast.
And it is not even so expensive to buy that program.
But as far as I understand you don't need a server with a BIG hard disk
for podcasts, right?
But of course, if I could get paid to make and host radio programs,
then would be the best of course!
What if I would start with short radio talks and put them here on my blog?
I wonder if people would listen? ( hint, hint, I want response!)

And.......

And..... my other dream is to write a book.
I know the subject already, you never guess......
But it would be nice if I could find a publisher first.
To bad I'm not a big known writer already, because they get paid in advance.
Then they get like 3 or 6 months to write a book.
Men wouldn't that be fantastic?!
Well I better get back to the topic again, ADHD.

Complains/side effects

The same as before, weak feeling in my legs and a dry mouth.
Although the dry mouth was not so bad today.
I went to Lena today, she is the nurse from the ADHD team.
She has been checking my blood pressure, my weight and pulse weekly.
And al that was fine, I even loose a few kilo's although I don't eat less.
So that was a very positive side effect.

ADHD effects

Yep, when I was looking back today with Lena to how I was and how I am now,
then I think there is a big difference.
I'm so happy with that. Because I read so much stories from people who tried
Strattera and had to stop because of so many strong side effects and hardly any positive effects.
Well with me it's the opposite.
And then when I read at the blog from Sepp ( see the link on the left side of my blog)
then I became extra nervous, he wrote that a test with Strattera in Sweden was a big failure.
Since I live in Sweden, it all becomes suddenly very close.
But this are the first meds I have good experiences with.
I just hope that the tiredness will disappear.

We have to wait and see.
Tomorrow my personal coach ( cognitive therapist) will come for the first time to my house.
I wonder if she will survive the shock when she enters my office?
Because it's a real chaos in here.
When I understood that she was going to be like a personal coach to me I was so happy!
I wanted to start to work on all my problems in one time.......
But she did not think that that was such a good idea.
So I have to take it slow, one step after the other, instead of jumping ten step ahead.

You can read more about my coach and my proces at: cognitive therapy.

How I feel

Today was ok, It sounds boring to repeat it again,
but I was VERY tired again today.
Stronger then normal, now my muscles felt strange also.
Like I havent been eating the whole day, a weak feeling.

Complains/Side effects

Ofcourse the dry mouth and today I felt extreme tired again.
Really, I'm getting so tired of being tired! :-(

ADHD effects

No differences with the other days.
I keep it short because I don't have so much time today.

How I feel

Today was a good day!

I was feeling great!
Also because I was still in this success cloud from the seminar from yesterday.
It was so nice! And the main speaker who came all the way from England,
ask me when I dropped her of at the airport, if we would like to organize it again next time.
So that was a big compliment! Especially for my wife.
Because she did all the preparation and administration.
We fit good together, because I like to take care of the practical things the day itself.
And to get on stage and talk to the audience.
It gives me a little bit feeling of radio making that I have been doing when I was still living in Holland.

I made radio programs , producing, directing, controlling and presenting.
I really did enjoy that! I have also done music programs for a TV station.
But I prefer radio, because you can create your own atmosphere.
I'm living now in Sweden, and my Swedish is not good enough to host a radio show in Swedish.
But my dream is to host a radio show in English on internet.
Maybe someone who needs a DJ will read this and offer me a job some DJ/Radio host for an online
Radio station?

Complains/side effects

Just the usual ones like a dry mouth and being tired.
I'm getting tired of being tired, even in the supermarket
I felt like an old men without any condition.

ADHD effects

It's so hard to say.
Somehow you get so easy used to the way you feel.
But I think if I look at the whole me, that I am calmer.
It's far from perfect, but so much better then before when I was always stressed.
I think that Strattera has given me the best results from all other meds I tested before.
Maybe I should ask money from Strattera for giving them so much worldwide publicity?
Doctors, nurses, therapists and other specialists are reading my blog,
and friends and fellow ADHDers also of course.

Who has their email address? :-)

How I feel

Very satisfied and very tired.
Today was the big day!
We organized a seminar with the dog listener, Jan Fennell from the UK.
We had more then 100 people who came today to listen to her.
And as a support act, we had a BARF specialist who also had written
a book about BARF, Jill Mellström.
The start of the day on location was very stressful.
We got a card to de activate the alarm system.
But it didn't work, so we had to wait a long time before help arrived.
This meant that we had to build up and organize everything very fast.
We went in one hour later, but we manage to have to seminar starting only 15 minutes later!
Although the start was stress full , the rest of the day was fantastic!
We only got compliments! We had fantastic friends who helped us.
I simply didn't had time to feel bad, because we where running around the whole day.

Complains/ Side effects

Like I wrote above, I didn't had time to feel anything or focus on anything else then
to get the seminar going and keep it all going.
So I did not have any new complains.
Just the normal like a dry mouth, tiredness, today extra, extra.
And that was all.

ADHD/side effects

I think it was ok today.
I did not get crazy, although the situation that we could not
get into the location on time made it very stressful.
I was totally in control. The friends who helped us where also great.
Normally I can get short in my reactions, when I'm so stressed.
But today I could stay pretty calm, so I think the meds worked.

How I feel

Today I felt pretty stressed and nervous.
I don't think that had anything to do with the meds.
But tomorrow, Saturday 25 march we organise a seminar with Jan Fennell.
She is a doglistener, and has a fantastic way of training dogs in their own language.
We organize it now for the second time ,and I believe it will be great.
Her training works, we have our own dog, Zorro, as a proof of that.
He was the wildest dog of the nest, but the only one still alife!
All the others where killed. They needed a owner who knew and understood them.
And above all, had patience. My wife had all that, and she started to train with Jan Fennells method.
Thats paid off, because he is a fantastic dog now.
It's so said that all his brothers and sister where killed.
Only because the owners could not handle them. :-(

Sorry, this blog is about ADHD, not dogs and their training.

Complains/Side effects

Today I had the 'normal' ones like a dry mouth,and feeling
tired.

ADHD effects

Same as the other days.
Not so calm, although calmer then before.
But also today still quickly irritated.
but that might also be because of the stress for tomorrow.
It's so much preparation for this seminar.
Well that's it for today.

Within the ADHD adult team where I wrote about in another posting they have started a while ago with a new project.
It's called cognitive therapy. It's going to be tested for I think 2 or 3 years.

2 weeks ago I had the first meeting with my personal coach.
It clicked, and I was looking forward to get started.
Although I must say that I was sitting there with mixed feelings.
Because it is great when your not only taken seriously,
but also get practical help. But on the same time I felt so embarrassed
because it sounds so stupid to say that I can't get a grip on my life.
That my life is a chaos. Knowing it is one thing.
But saying out loud to someone else is another.

But of course I'm not the first one she met with this problems.
So for her my problems are 'normal'.
I can imagine that for someone who does not have ADHD,
it's hard to understand all the practical problems we experience.

I'm so unbelievable happy with my wife!
Because she knows and understand allot of ADHD.
And her love for me is so strong, stronger then the stress I give her.
And believe me, I give her more stress then many can even imagine.
That is also an extra motivation for me to start with this cognitive therapy.

She, the cognitive therapist, is more like a personal coach to me.
What do I mean by coach?
Well she doesn't need to teach me what my problems are.
I know exactly what they are, I can't just get a grip of them.
And it's so much out of control that I don't even know where to start.

And that's right where she comes in.
If you did see my other posting which is called : Start of my day, then you get a idea of
how I live my life, or at least try to.

Last week we got really started.

I will write more about it later, I have no time anymore now.

The hospital where I go to has a ADHD team that has their focus on adults with ADHD.

In that team are Neurologists, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Nurses, Cognitive Therapists etc.
And of course a secretary that keeps everybody connected with each other.

I read allot of testimonies on internet about adults with ADHD who have troubles finding help.
And many times when they do find help, it doesn't click.
Sometimes simply because the doctor or nurse of therapist simply don't really listen to them.
And other times there are other communication problems.

But I can say that I am thankful to God that he has put me in contact with this team.
I know I'm not always the easiest guy but they are fantastic!

My psychiatrist Dan has talked with me a few times over the last years about testing medicine.
But I wanted to try to live with the ADHD complains without medicine.
So I started to take less candy, sugar and food with colors and other additives.
It helped but not enough, so I started with meds anyway.

I have tested different kind of meds and nothing seemed to help.
If I didn't see results fast enough I would stop again.
But every time when I finally came back to him, for other idea's he
was always open to listen and willing to help.
I also did allot of reading about ADHD and meds myself.
And I can talk to him about that, and ask questions I have.

The same goes for the nurse Lena, who helps me and checks me with taking my meds.
She keeps a look at my blood pressure weight etc.

When I told her this, she confirmed that listening is their main point.
They want to listen to the adults with ADHD who come for help.
Because they want to learn as much as they can.
That's the right attitude, not thinking you know it all, but always want to learn more!

As an adult with ADHD you have been going around so long with lots of conflicts in your life.
Most of them as a result of ADHD, but most of us don't find it out until many years later.
Then when you do find it out it is such a relieve to have a team that takes you serious.
And will also help you to get a grip of your life again.
So despite all the problems, I do feel blessed and thankful!

How I feel

Today was pretty good.

I was very tired, but for the rest it was ok.
Except for one moment.
I'm driving for my job 12 hours a day in the city where I live.
You see many different crazy situations in those hours.
Sometimes I let it get to me, and get irritated.
But yesterday I suddenly exploded when a buss driver try to tell me
I was not allowed to drive there, and blocked the road.
They really like to 'act' like police sometimes.......
I showed him my license and did not do that in a friendly way.
It's terrible, because I do not want to respond like that at all.
I don't like to be, and don't want to be aggressive or rude.
Not even one second later I already felt sorry.
It's also such a waste of energy, since it only makes things worse.
I was hoping with the help of Strattera I could stay calm easier.
But that doesn't work yet, maybe it will soon?

Complains/side effects

I was very tired today again, that goes up and down each day.
The dry mouth problem is also still around.
And today I had allot of sweating again.
But now it was not only sweating but also freezing right after that.
Like you have a fever, but your not sick.

ADHD effects

No changes since the last days.